When I began this platform and as you all know, I wanted to break the mould when it comes to blogging and being a voice on the internet. Honesty is the best policy and it not only creates a more meaningful relationship between me as a writer and you as a reader, but on a more personal level of you as a person and me as a person. The distance that separates you from me physically doesn’t have to therefore result in a lack of direction and connection between you and what I am writing/doing here.
I write about the world, socially, politically, economically and how being LGBTQIA+ intersects and with that, and how manoeuvring the world as someone who is not the status quo well… is and how my life is like 24502834 peoples lives out there, and I still retain that as something that – as I mentioned in Wednesday’s post – I am truly privileged to do and be able to do, as there are millions of people worldwide who don’t have that position. I want to be honest and truthful about how I am feeling at the moment and the world and what is happening in it, and it’s impact on LGBTQIA+ people because it always affects different groups of people so differently, and unless we discuss these differences in our feelings we are never going to be able to help each other.
Ever since I have started internship, I have been feeling shook. I felt like it was down to the fact that my body hadn’t seen that time of day before, and just allowed myself to get into the rhythm of working 12 hours and being out of the world that I had been in before. When you’re working 12 hours a day, you need to be doing something that you love and that loves you. You want to feel enriched, respected, appreciated and felt like you’re learning as much as you aspire to. I have subsequently realised that as someone who is LGBTQIA+, queer and basically genderless, there is also a large emotional slot that needs to be filled by my place of work as well. I need to feel emotionally that I can slot in as a person. I want to be able to feel like my needs as someone who is LGBTQIA+ are being not only acknowledged, but respected. Now, the internship that I am currently in have not been transphobic, however just before I started internship I went to Student Pride weekend (as seen in My Big Gay Weekend). I honestly had never truly felt so encompassed in safety, security and just like minded individuals in my life, and it was such an eye opener to me that made me realise that I need to be working, not only with people who understand me, but people who ARE like me.
Working in PR has made me realise that it’s emotionless, heartless and lacks the emotion and creativity that I like to put into my work and whatever I am doing. This is for me personally. If you adore PR, honey you go and work in it, but for me I feel like it isn’t the world for me, and that’s ok. I have realised this at an early stage in my career and I can move on. However, being in an environment that you know isn’t good for you is difficult, and I have struggled recently to be able to keep going into something that I know isn’t directly for me ? I am a huge supporter of the ‘don’t do what you don’t want/need to do’ ethos, so having to put 12 hours a day into something that I know isn’t for me as a person, its been difficult.
Also, after my week of gender exploration, and not wearing make up, and the political climate that we are in globally at the moment, I have found myself having a lot of questions for myself, a lot of questions for the world, and a sudden lack of enthusiasm/confidence to be doing what I normally deem ‘normal’. Getting ready, putting make up on, planning outfits, and making myself look how I like to express myself has become something that I am now second guessing. Is it worth it? Can I be bothered with the drama? It takes too long? You’re drawing too much attention to yourself. Walking around takes its toll when people are constantly focusing on you. Getting onto the train, walking to work, sitting in Starbucks, there’s always uncessary, unwanted attention from people who stare, or who will laugh, and will be ignorant and it would be a lie for me to sit here and say that it doesn’t bother me. And well… you know me this isn’t really the vibe that I strive to be in, and isn’t a place that is really that comfortable for me, so I am writing this to expel all my thoughts and feelings at the moment to make sure that I can look back on this and remember that this was how I felt, and in the future I will feel different.
Positivity is crushing for so many people in 2017. The persistent myth that it has to be constantly forced upon people, and that it is the cure to all problems is not only wrong, but dangerous. People aren’t always positive, and the thing about accepting that is therefore accepting the fact that you’re going to allow yourself to be negative. You’re ALLOWED to not be happy, and feel like shit, and wallow. Honey WALLOW. But just know that you’re going to be better soon. It’s like the colour yellow, people hated on her, and people thought she was just too bright, and that she wasn’t for everyone, but now look at her. SHE’S GLOWING.
I am thankful for the amazing support and love that everyone has for me on social media, and it’s a really amazing feeling to know that if i’ve been having a shit day that I can see all my lovely friends across my social platforms uplifting me. It’s not only the fact that we uplift each other, it’s the fact that we are all going through EXTREMELY similar things, and it’s having that support system that’s important to me. I don’t necessarily talk about things with everyone because I don’t feel it necessary, however that doesn’t mean I don’t talk at all.
I am not up there at the moment, but I will be, and the only way that I am going to get there is through my own self care, self love, self appreciation, no matter what happens with my internship, my life, my relationships, or anything, it all starts with me. I am currently in the process of interviewing for internship at LGBTQIA+ charities and organisations so that I can feel like i’m doing something that HELPS people, because that’s all I aspire to do. Help people whilst being myself. And if anyone else out there is going through positivity/confidence/identity struggles, DO NOT feel like it’s just you, because it’s not. Talking about things publicly stops the stigma that talking about yourself is narcissistic and self indulgent. Fuck the older generations telling you that.
Work on yourself, and make yourself the best you can be, no matter how long it takes ladies. Just fucking try your best.